Thursday, June 21, 2007

Blogtable discussion.

One of the funniest blogs out there today stars Trev Alberts and is called Fire Mark May. The editor over there recently proposed a series of questions and here are my answers to them.

Your Home Field Advantage

Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.


Gamecock fans fall into three camps: the realists, the pessimists and the insane. Anyone that is familiar with SEC blogs knows that about 70% of Gamecock fans on the internet fall into the third category. I really want to know which team they’re watching, because I see no MNC in our near future, but they’re always carrying on about it like the Gamecocks are equipped with Panzers this season. Personally, I am a realist/pessimist, but only a realist when very, very drunk. So I’d give the insane Gamecock fans a Jim Jones cult.

Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.


Easy. Stuffed-animal tigers, soaked in gasoline, and instead of cotton or whatever, they are stuffed with fireworks. Only on sale after 9pm Friday before the Clemson-Carolina game.

Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.

Mustard-based barbecue. Arguing over barbecue is like arguing over which religion is better, but I stand by the South Carolina style. Serve it on a bun with a Coke for $5.

The good stuff.

With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.

Can I buy wins? Short of that, I’d want to expand the North Endzone so that the stadium is completely closed off and increase the student section. I’d also like to see the student section “re-opened” so that anybody who wants to can sneak into it like you could a couple years ago. In the student section, seating is first-come, first-serve. Also, live sacrifices to Mars, the god of War.

I'm using this image as often as I can.

General NCAA questions

Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.


A reality tv show is following around the Seventh Floor Crew as they contemplate life post-Buddhist conversion and where to go on pilgrimage—to the Bodhi Tree or to the monasteries of Nepal.

Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.


I’d like to see the Gamecocks play FSU, but only if we can get in our time machines and play last year too. I’d also like to see the UNC-USC tilt become a regular occurrence, but this looks to be impossible. So we drop SC State from the schedule so far. I’d also like to see Alabama play Auburn in Panama City Beach, with Evan Williams Green Label sponsoring it and being served. Two drink minimum. I’d need a box seat for that game.

Evan Williams Green Label: When black simply doesn't get you drunk enough.

Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.

Top four team playoff would be my system. The bowls would begin the Monday after Christmas and would be played two a night, one at 5:30 and one at 8. On Saturday, the two first round games would be played. The following week, the various conference champs left out of the playoffs would play each other, along traditional lines (B10-PAC10, SEC-ACC) or highest ranked vs. highest ranked. These would take place on Monday night and Thursday night. The rest of the bowls would take place this week too. Championship game would be held on Saturday night, time and place TBA.

Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.

Does this have to be a real figure? Because if not, I’d be torn between Bill Brasky or Mark Antony from HBO’s Rome. If it has to be real, then I pick….me! Let me post my qualifications—college graduate, willing to work in excess of 30 hours a week, and I’m currently marginally employed (grad student) and I am smarter than you. Few requests, though: I would require a private jet to be available to me on a 24 hour standby basis, no oversight on any NCAA credit cards that I may or may not possess, and I’d have to be addressed as “Sir” or “My lord” at all times.

Yup, this guy.

5 comments:

Newspaper Hack said...

I didn't see anything past you putting the Iron Bowl in Panama City with a booze sponsorship.

ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to you, sir!

Todd Jones said...

I'm right there with you on the mustard base sauce but, being from Alabama, you don't find it unless you make it yourself.

Jai Eugene said...

Gosh this is one of the most sidesplitting blogs ever. You should see if you can Newspaper Hack, because he is a real journalist, to merge blogs with you. Then you would be doubley or even tripley relevant

Spurrier ate the Lindbergh baby said...

You sir, are a liar. I know damn full well that you already demand people to call you "My Lord." Perhaps if you quit carrying a trident made of gold, the name would not be so impressive. Also, in a side note, you and I both know that putting those two teams together with a truck full of Evan Green can actually only improve the city. Ask the city council. I did.

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